I'd rather be single.

Since I officially became single (many, many months ago), my ever so helpful friends and closest confidantes gingerly expressed to me that perhaps I should give men a chance. This by no means indicated that I am a lesbian, it just meant that maybe, generally, I'm a little hostile when it comes to meeting guys. The following are the top three reasons (meaning I had to search within all my heinous incidents) why, why, I should always be a bitch, bear in mind, these incidents happened within the past 3 months:

Boy behind door number 3:
Recently I went on a date with a guy I met through a co-worker. I found him to be a little socially awkward and not really amusing at times, but, my roommates met him and said to give him a chance. After all, I am the only single person in my group of friends (officially). Here's how it panned out:

me: So do you have any roommates?
him: no, I own my own place. I live alone.
me: Oh that's pretty sweet.
*****
him: so I hope we can go out again
me: maybe next time i'll come to [insert his nearby orange county city]
him: *awkward pause* well, I don't know if you can do that
me: *puzzled* why?
him: because my ex girlfriend still lives with me (side note: this is ex girlfriend of 10 years).

Boy behind door number 2:
I used to frequent a comedy club called iO West in Hollywood. My partner in crime L. Miller and I love to watch our favorite team KDD perform there. One night, we went there to grab drinks and hang out. L. Miller, with the foresight to know when an annoying and possibly sketchy guy was about to advance, started talking to the bartender and sat down at the bar. In fall swoop, the guy she expertly avoided started talking to me. Here's how that conversation panned out:

him: so what do you do?

me: i'm a student

him: oh what are you studying?

me: law

him: oh like pre-law?

me: no, like THE law

him: *nudge* so will you be my attorney some day? *wink*

me: oh, you're really not my type of client

him: what would that be?

me: children.

him: *pause, gives me the "ick" look* wow, so you're not going to be rich at all are you?

me: *offended* um, no.

::awkward pause::

me: so what do you do?
him: oh, i'm an actor.


Last but definitely not least, boy behind door number 1:
Again, out with friends, this time in Santa Monica, CA, I met my all time favorite guy at a bar. (Sarcasm added.) I was sitting in a booth with two girls, one guy when this little scrawny white boy slid in the booth sitting himself right next to me:

him: hey there

me: um, hi

him: my name is Chris (as an FYI, I felt that if I censored the following information my readers would not get the full effect of the reasoning behind my initial irritation.)

me: (already irritated) ugh. i hate that name. where are you from?

him: Pittsburgh (of course, OF course)

me: ugh, i hate that city. in fact, i prefer not to talk to guys named Chris from Pittsburgh.

(for those readers who do not know, my ex boyfriend's name is Chris, from Pittsburgh)

him: well, my friends like to call me the jizzmaster.

me: excuse me? did you give yourself that name or did someone else...
::shoots look to girl across the way AND the guy sitting next to me who stare in disbelief::

him: no, my buddies (points over to the bar) call me the jizzmaster.

me: i dont even want to know. (he makes small talk to the other people at our table and then leaves to get more drunk)

***** (later on, he returns to the scene of the crime) *****

him: so i live three blocks away

me: so?

him: you wanna come over and watch a movie? no funny business i swear

me: you must be fucking joking

him: oh come on, i have catch phrase

me: sorry, i only put out for yahtzee.

Filed Under: Next Generation of Rivalry.

Today, a fellow law student (who I actually don't know) and his son walked by in the hall. Both are wearing San Diego Charger paraphanalia.

Me: Aww, what a cute little boy! But he's wearing the wrong t-shirt!

Fellow law student: no, he's not!

Little boy (looking indignant): No, I not!

Fellow law student: come on [insert little boy's name] - don't listen to her, she must be an Oakland Raider fan.

Little boy (scurries after father): ewwww!!!!



*Well, that soured fast.

What are you?

Recently I donated blood to the American Red Cross.

Intake person: Date of birth?

me: 11/21/83

Intake person: Race?

me: Um, what do you have there?

Intake person: Well, we have black, hispanic, white. What are you? Mixed?

me: No, Filipino.

Intake person: Oh. ::clicks mouse:: Other.


* I can't make this shit up. Seriously.

Back, Back, Back, Back it up.

Short and sweet today. Conversation with my father.

me: I threw out my back this weekend. And I don't have medical insurance. And i'm laying in the middle of the hall at school because it hurts to be alive.

Dad: Hmm. Right. You don't have medical insurance. have you tried Vicks?

me: Of course I tried Vicks. Are I not your daughter and Filipino? I've tried everything. I'm in a lot of pain.

Dad: Hm. Sucks. I don't know what to tell you. If you were home I'd just give you medicine and we could take care of you here. But you're not home. And it's not like you have anyone to take care of you. Family, boyfriend...yeah, if you had a boyfriend he could help you out and stuff like carry your books and rub Vicks on your back.

me: Thanks. Do you have a prescription for that?

I am a Person You May Know

Does anyone remember the "good ole days" of facebook? No posting on SuperWall's, throwing sheep, attacking ninjas and, of course, taking a "how hot are you" quiz? No news feeds, redundant email notifications and reminders of "causes" and [insert favorite sports team] fan applications? (Mind you, I have two of those on my page. I am just as guilty.)

The original intent of the creation of facebook (as i've read) is to create an internet networking page for students. As it grew, the page spilled into the workplace and then to geographically acceptable networks. (i.e., Washington, DC (a city) is a network, but Orange County (*duh, NOT a city) is also a network. I point this out because you don't see "Mission Viejo" being a network even though that's a city). Anyway, the reasons behind why facebook was created are not to be short changed. Good does come from this site. But I fail to understand why, WHY the applications on the site must torture me further by battering me incessantly with useless updates and applications that try to get me down when i'm feeling especially bitchy and bitter. (Shocker? I think not.)

My latest and greatest gripe with facebook is their new feature called "People You May Know."

People You May Know is exactly how it sounds. Facebook magically reconciles all your friends and their friends and their baby mama's friends to see if you all have friends in common thus having not "friended" someone who you may actually be real life friends with. Now really, is this application necessary? I was at a club last night and instead of asking for my number, some guy asked IF I WAS ON FACEBOOK. Really? Oh but I digress. So lo and behold, this new application has made me laugh. At the beginning of the year, I had a crap load of "facebook friends." While I know it would appear "rude" I decided to cleanse my facebook of extraneous friends. Harsh, but true. Will I really ever need to talk to the girl in some random frosh year finite math class? How about that person who facebooked me because he or she happened to live on my floor sophomore year? Hell, I dont even remember these people's names. Why do I want to know what their favorite movies, interests, and quotes are?

Regardless, one day, "People You May Know" was proudly displayed on my homepage highlighted its usual top three picks of who I may know. This link should really be called "Click here if you want to know how many friends you have in common with people you never wanted to friend in the first place." Or, even better, "Click here if you want to know how your exboyfriend's new girlfriend is BFF with YOUR friends." On this particular day, it really was another sign that I should remove my exboyfriend from my facebook friends. (Ridiculous, I know.) Apparently his new girlfriend is a "Person I May Know". Well no shit shirlock.

a.) We went to the same fucking school
b.) We were both in the greek system
c.) She's actually pretty damn smart to start ingratiating herself in his life by facebooking his friends. I did the same thing. Hence why we have so many goddamn friends in common.

So yes, facebook, thank you for pointing out the glaring obvious fact that this bitch ass heifer is a person I may know. In fact, next time I go to DC, should I run into her, I would be like "yes, I know you, we have 3874 friends in common. Why aren't we friends? Oh right because you're fucking my exboyfriend. In my bed."

I may be fat, but you're still ugly and I can always diet.

Miss R in Section B provided me with the topic for my blog today by telling me that other people’s bullsh*t shouldn’t affect me. Take the attitude of the blog title to heart. I may be fat, but you’re still ugly and I can always diet. Today I had a practice oral argument where I completely bombed in front of my class. I say practice because next week, I'll be in front of judges and my professor will be grading me. Suffice to say, I won't do any worse than I did today. Now, bear in mind, I probably wouldn't be feeling as bad if it weren't for GP. GP, short for God's Property, is a group of 4 girls in my class who are blonde, super Christian (think: Mandy Moore in SAVED), and mean, mean, mean. I would classify them as the more known nickname of "mean girls" but GP is so much more fitting. They go around school being horrifically mean to their future colleagues but then talk about how they believe in Jesus and go to church all the time and that they have "love in their hearts for those who are beneath them" (true story).

Unfortunately for me, they've been the bane of my existence since school started. Even more unfortunate? They're in my fellowship program, thus subjecting me to further torture with them over my summer break. Why are they so horrible, you ask. Well notwithstanding the fact that they tell everyone that they are right now ranking at the top of our class (mind you, our grades are soft grades from last semester - rankings change like Miss J on Top Model changes hair styles), they tend to make you feel like you're this small. For those who remember my past blog and affectionately remember BFD, its like her times 4 of them and they're blonde and Jesus freaks. (Please note: I have nothing against Christians. If you know me well, you know that I'm very Catholic and also open minded about different religions.) But I digress.

Today, as I was laying out my oral argument in front of the class, the professor interrupted me with a question that I wasn’t fully prepared for. As I searched my argument notes for the answer, I hear a little snickering and giggling to my right. I look (even though I know) and lo and behold GP is laughing at me for pausing too long. Laughing, tittering, snickering, whispering to each other and pointing. Thrown off, I look back to my notes and try to collect my thoughts. The pause starts to become unbearable. All I can hear is them. My face starts to get hot and literally, I felt the tears springing to my eyes. (Such a literary term that I feel is so graphic in words and feeling.) The professor sees that I’m shaken and gently (but almost condescendingly) says, "Perhaps you should go back to your first point." I was horrified and humiliated.

My friends outside of law school are just shocked and confused. Who raised these people? Sadly enough, my friends inside of law school thought that it was pretty standard for them. After stewing for over 24 hours in anger over it brought me back to what Miss R said to me almost immediately after. No matter what, I can always change things about myself I don’t like but they will always have a hideous soul. Now, yes, it seems drastic of a word choice for people who are just like little high schoolers with silver spoons in their mouths. Funny enough, they were all born and raised in the OC. Either way, these are the girls who will hide library books, try to snoop through your notes, tell you that they think you’re a slut to your face (true story) and remind you daily that they are at the top of our class with their grades. What I want to know is, what does this tell you about where i'm living for the next three years?

On a petty note, (hey, if you don't like it, you don't have to read it) in Facebook news my lovely ex-boyfriend apparently is now calling his new girlfriend of less than 2 months "bebe" and tells her on Facebook that he "loves her." I personally would love to call him and thank him for helping me lose 5 pounds today by puking simultaneously while I read that. Remember, I can always diet. (Which is pretty funny because I think his new girlfiend did reference me as fat. Fitting.)

Spring Break Part Deux: A Visit From Reality

Thankfully, the second half of my spring break was MUCH MUCH better than the first. No drama or stupidity, just a fantastic way to take a break from school. I highly recommend visits to me. The weather is great and I'll be so happy to see you, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. S came to visit me and while I can't hand you salacious gossip, I can guarantee that this was the best time I've had since I've moved to the OC.

Day 1: LAX. Ok, so not so much exciting but we were both tired. We did get to visit her friend L (I'm getting lazy with the nicknames) and proceeded to grab lunch and beers. On the bumper to bumper traffic drive back to the OC, we entertained ourselves by staring at the car in front of us that had an ad for "grout cleaning and lippage removal." Hot.

Day 2: Much of the day is hazy but we ended up going to a really cool improv show in LA. And of course fell in love with one of the improv groups. Might have found my newest husband(s). Downside? Getting a parking ticket when I clearly did not park anywhere near a red line or specified sign.

Day 3: Watched the alma mater be in the NCAA tourney for the first time! Good game, bad result. At least there was a lot of heart poured into it! And of course, there's always next year. In the 80 degree weather, we laid around the pool and then went drinking that night where S got hit on by a sketchy man who works in the meat department at Ralphs. Hey, at least we can get a discount on our chicken! Gotta love Patrick's Pub.

Day 4: SAN DIEGO! a photo montage will describe our scavenger hunt. Hardest things to find: Asian tourists (i know, right?! crazy!). But thankfully my friend down in SD took us to Old Town where we would clearly find Asian tourists there. Unfortunately, I cannot mimic her accent but the words (imagined in an accent form) were "ooooooh authentic" ::click, click::.

Day 5: Easter! Found out Chipotle was closed on Easter and that made us sad. Took Easter pictures (no, not at Sears. I know you're disappointed.) and then went to lunch. Proceeded to lay out again. Life still good.

Day 6: I had to unfortunately return back to reality while S had to lay by the pool. However, being the badass that I am, I cut Property and came and laid out with her. It's ok, I was already called on and I got to witness S getting a badass burn, er, tan.

Today is the day I have to bring S back to the airport. Boo. Sadly enough, even though we had fun, it was as if it was good times yet again had arrived into my life. By good times, I mean: reality came back. Gone were the worries of what I had to wear on a day to day basis, what type of makeup I was wearing and what Ryan Seacrest talked about on the radio that morning. Instead, the second part of my spring break was chill and filled with non-vapid conversation. I'm horribly sad that I have to retreat back to the ways of law school and the pettiness that it encompasses. I suppose I'll have my books to keep me company until the end of the year (or end of three years). Until then, I'll keep reminding myself that there is a real world out there and good things come to those who wait.